Dear Clown Column,
I hate clowns. They scare me.
I think they actually do belong in horror movies.
Why do they act so weirdly?
I mean my parents take me to the circus every year when it’s in town, and they laugh so hard when they see the clowns.
Those ridiculous costumes, slapstick stuff, I mean give me a break that’s too much.
Then, this weird cousin of mine said, she’s ditching business school to study clowning instead!
Who goes to clowning school and what for? What’s the curriculum, haan? – clowning around (lol).
I mean come on get a life, get a real degree, why waste your time uselessly?
Are you saying trading an MBA to be a clown is worth the time and money you put down?
You know that the guy who plays Mr. Bean actually has some major Phd, Mr Bean counts as a clown right, even though he doesn’t
paint his nose red and his face white?
And Charlie Chaplin, I don’t know much about him,
He was funny enough- he’s a clown too, na?
Sure Charlie and Bean made/make a living from this farce, but honestly,
My friend, she isn’t that funny!/
What’s she going to do?
Dress in multi-coloured costumes and some flappy shoes?
Repeating the same tropes, weird gags and bits and lazzis?
I feel so bad for her,
Get a life girl!
Life is not a circus – I decided to put in some sense,
We need to have a conversation, it’s going to be intense.
I asked her if walking around with a slapstick is her #lifegoal,
And if so, said, I, I can say nothing more.
She said “yes” to that! And her clown name is, she said, is Lolo!
It’s going to get old, the pants falling off, the red nose
Yellow panty hose, the spanks and rolls-
Oh, she juggles really well, though…
And is a great acrobat, but who needs to be a clown if you can do that?
You fake a fail and then get it right,
Seriously why would you do that, why?
I don’t want my cousin to be a clown,
She has no clue what life is about.
Help me talk her out of it,
Please be a good clown and do your bit!
– Confounded cousin
Dear Confounded Cousin,
You seem aggrieved by the clowning business.
Why exactly are you so pissed?
I suggest clown therapy to help you have some fun,
By the way, your clown might end up being high strung,
Higher status, up in the hierarchy
Easy to trick, and a true Mr. Grumpy.
Oh! You’ll fit right into our troupe!
My clown is clumsy and a bit dopey,
The other clowns in our troupe are Mopey and Droopy.(lol)
No, it’s not like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,
But, clowns are of all sorts.
We’re not funny for the sake of it,
We’re like… children- innocently hilarious;
True and uncensored, wild and free,
I suggest you try it, it’s a good ability.
I’m sorry about the clowns in horror movies,
We don’t like them very much either, quite honestly-
They give our kind a bad name.
Us, red nosed clowns, are meant to be on the stage- not always,
But we are best, that way.
Interacting with audiences,
Living in the moment, finding joy
Exploring the truth, boy oh boy!
Actually clowns are the truest beings alive,
You won’t find honesty like that even if you tried-
(Definitely not in B school, they’re as far away from the truth.)
Clowns are sharp and witty, ready to improvise,
We may get our faces in pies,
But we know when you’re telling lies.
Also, you’re right about Bean and Charlie,
They are from our extended family.
So is the Joker from the Marvel films,
He’s the good kind of bad of our kin.
Clowns exist in comedy and farce
In commedia dell’arte,
And even in Indian drama as sutradhars (who are probably the original ones).
As for your cousin joining clowning school,
What’s the problem, it’s what she wants to do.
She may not be as rich as she would be with an MBA,
But she’ll probably be happier, anyway.
– Yours Contagious Coco the Clown